Cap’n Crunch Not Retiring, Still Shredding Mouths

So Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch is not retiring, despite word from the rumor mill and beyond indicating the demise of the cereal. Rather, the super-sugary mouth-murdering cereal is no longer being marketed towards children, being deemed as “unhealthy” by the “food police.” And so the Food Gestapo will eventually take away poor Horatio, make him walk the plank, and throw him to the sharks- Hopefully he will shred their mouths more than they will shred him- Highly unlikely, but wishful thinking.

Okay, so I really was never a big fan of Cap’n Crunch anyways, so I could care less about this cereal’s demise. But it is a choice what we put into our bodies. From soda to cigarettes; coffee to codeine and everything in between- It’s your choice. If you want to be a fat tub of lard, eat a box of Cap’n Crunch every day and see what happens- That is if you still have a mouth to eat with after you get halfway through the box.

Besides, my mom was all against the Cap’n anyways- preservatives and extra sugar was bad. She didn’t want us to get the ‘beetus. Every time we slathered our Cheerios with sugar it was “don’t eat so much sugar, you’ll get diabetes.” So that scared us pretty good. And there we have it- Why quit marketing the cereal towards kids when it’s the parents who buy the cereal? Think about that one quick sec.

Besides, now that the Cap’n is on Facebook, he actually is being marketed towards kids. The last I heard, most new Facebook users are twelve year olds- and I wouldn’t doubt it if the age range for the social networking site was somewhere from six to twelve years- Isn’t there an age limit on that thing? Oh duh, it’s the internet. And of course studies never reveal the real users- they only use the data given- so call me full of shit, I don’t care- Just my opinion is all. And what kid doesn’t have an older brother’s or sister’s Facebook they can use? Hmmmm, yeah.

So maybe Horatio got demoted a bit- maybe to Lieutenant- more likely to Midshipman, hereby renaming his cereal to Midshipm’n Mouth Murderers. Oh wait, his cereal doesn’t cut the roof of your mouth at all. Which is why nobody complains about it.

Let us take a moment of silence for Horatio and his sugary-sweet corn and oat cereal- and ponder upon his theoretical demotion. Maybe think about how the guvment wants to be able to tell us what we can and cannot put into our bodies. Long live Horatio Magellan Crunch and his sugary, mouth-shredding cereal!





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